Saturday, December 31, 2011

Countdown to 2012

This year 2011 was hard for some .  I thought so.  It wasn't until I asked God to show me what  I was supposed to get out of this difficult place that I could see more clearly.  Finances, health, emotions, missed opportunites, desired opportunites not granted etc., etc., etc.  What I know now is that this year was necessary for the people I will meet and share with later.  When you talk to people and they tell you what  is happening in their lives you think truth is your answer to their issue, and it should be - without offending.  We should always be prepared to give answer for the hope that is within us and that include some details of some rough places we have been so others may know that we have been there too.  We don't all experience the same thing but, we all  hurt sometimes and miss the mark.
It's nice to know the seasoned women I have been privileged know have been in some tough places and through tough times. What makes the difference is that I know if God saw them to the other side of the road, he will do the same for me.  I am his child too and he loves me no less than them.  I wanted the easy way out.  Easy is not the norm in God's economy whether it is money, knowledge, wisdom or experience
it all costs something. I give honor to God for the year 2011 and desire with all my heart to do a better job of living in 2012.  I look  forward to a closer more intimate walk with the Lord.  I will still experience things that will not be as I wish, but to walk with the Lord through it all is what I choose to do.  Thank you Lord for all you've done for me. 2012 is looking good already.

Sunday, December 25, 2011

Momma Said There'll Be Days Like This

It is a blessing to live long enough to see the things Mom had to say come to truth in my life.  Right now I am looking at so many truisms she said that loom real in my life.  "Keep Living", was not one of her quotes but the mantra of the mother of a former friend.  The "Keep Living Mantra" has shown me how wise my Mom was and if given the chance, I may have the same degree of wisdom to impart to some listener. Mom talked often about reaping what you sow, if I tell you a chicken dips snuff look under his wing, wait and see, I may not be her to hear it etc, etc, etc.  Mom had so much to say sometimes her silence was deafening. I want to be that wise, that Proverbs wisdom that I live out and am able to bless others with.  God has been so good to me and I have much more to learn as I continue to walk with him.  There is much about Mom that I want to emulate in my life.  I look like her as I age, but I desire to be as wise as she was. Her wisdom came from hard lessons learned and mistakes that she made.  It all cost her something and it will be the same for me.
I want to leave a legacy of strength and love like she did.

Relationships

Relationships mean more to me as I age.  Especially the ones within my family.  Our eldest sister is ill again, and each time she gets ill I become concerned. I know she is saved and I know no one could have her back better than God does.  But, I am her baby sister. I know that we are answers to our mother's prayers in the promises God made to save our whole household. Frances, Juanita and I are proof of that promise. I am the youngest and experiencing those feeling that come when your sister is sick.  Now that I think about it, being the youngest isn't the issue between us.  It is just cause it's just Sissy.  She has health issues that have taken away the feisty woman she used to be. It is hard to see but, fills me with compassion for her.  I thank God she is still here, and I can still do what baby sisters do to help.  I am grateful for my neices and nephew that do what they should for their mom.  We should  not slack when to comes to family, for I know God holds us to different standards.  His love is the measure we use to love others.  It will never be the same, but it needs to be as close as God gives us the strength to do.

YEAR IN REVIEW

2011 was a very difficult year.  But, I get it.  I am being called out to do something that takes having to be under pressure and some degree of difficulty.  I know that in life those of us who are of the household of faith find ourselves under the gun and it is not for us.  It is for someone else.  I know that God sent people to me the my past, that had been through what I had been through.  Their experience helped me tremendously.  Experience that we personally go through is not always the best teacher.  I tell that to my young people.  Experience, can hurt and destroy. It can also end your life.
God's grace allows us second chances.  He is a God of second, third, fourth chances and more because of the grace he gives to us.  Unmerited favor.  I know I have done nothing to deserve unmerited favor.  For God to love me like this is nothing that I earned. I thank the Lord for his great love for me.  At times it was the only I thought I had and more than I could return.
I look forward to the new year and all that it is going to bring.  I am bringing my "A" game and by the grace of God it will be his love for me and plan for my life that I will follow.  Doing what I have been called to do and worshipping him as King of Kings and Lord of Lords.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

He Cares For Me

There is within me a spirit of restlessness.  I don't know what to do with it.  I have been here before and I find myself reevaluating some of my choices - again.  I don't know for sure what to do, but I know to keep calm and not make any crazy changes right now.  I am not sure if this feeling comes with age or just a real desire for something different.  Since I know people depend on me and other young women are watching, I must be careful.  I do have an obligation to live my life reflective of the spirit of God within me and because of that I have to be careful of choices and consequences.  I am praying for peace and direction.  I am a changeling in that I never stay the same from the inside out.  I like that God's care for me makes me want to be more like him. His everlasting love is my saving grace.  Many have proclaimed love for others but, there is no love like the love of God.  Time to watch and wait.  However, I will not be ringing my hands for God is truly caring for me. 

Monday, October 31, 2011

Songs of Zion

Although I love Contemporary Gospel,but it is the Hymns of old that resonate deepest within my spirit.  I remember how the old Saints in the church I grew up in would hum and sing the Songs of Zion.  On many occasions we had no music but, we knew how to keep time with our collective voices, hand clapping, foot tapping and the spirit within us. Glory to God for what he has wrought in the lives of his children. We are so special to God,  he made special provisions just for us.  In our" Sweet Hour of Prayer" may we remember how "Wonderful the Matchless Name of Jesus" is and we have "Blessed Assurance that he is "Holy, Holy, Holy."

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Four Generations and Counting

Aunt Etta was the last of the fifth generation on my mother's side.  She and our mother were teenage girl friends and my Aunt married one of Mom's brothers.  She left us for heaven week before last.  We had a beautiful homegoing for her.  She would have loved the singing, the poetry, the kind words and all the other fanfare.  Auntie was a Queen in her own right.  Her children, grandchildren, great grands, nieces and nephews can attest to who she was and the impact she made on all of our lives.  She knew how to make you feel important, like you were the only person that she needed to love on.  An incredible, loving strong woman.  I wish so much to have at least some of what she had.  I want to affect they lives of others the way she did, but with my own spin on it. I cried a lot after she left us.  I was in the Doctor's office when he told us what her diagnosis was.  She said she was glad to know what was wrong and even then she was proclaiming the goodness of the Lord in her life.  She said she knew God would take care of her and that he would keep his promise to her.  What amazing grace to witness that spirit during one of the most crucial times in her life.  It also helps to bloster my faith for when I see old soliders like her and others holding on to God's promises, I know I can make it through.  As Mom used to say "God is not going to change his mind in your case." Aunt Etta saw Jesus, and so will we if we contiue to run the race before us.  I believe God and his word.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Standing on the Promises

I am at another crossroad.  I have to relinquish any control I thought I had and allow Christ his proper place in my life.  The standard I used to considered the way we could live has disappeared and the question is simple.  Will we do this our way according to feelings? Or Christ's way?!  Our son has to leave and go on his way without the cover we have long provided for him because he doesn't live a Godly life.  Therefore he is open to all kinds of living that is not how his Dad and I have chosen. He can't bring any kind of living to our home anymore.  My heart hurts, but, I choose Christ. I feel like crying but, I choose Christ.  I don't want him to go but, I choose Christ. I will cry but, I choose Christ. I remember well what Christ has done for me and how my life has changed.  In order to continue to be on the right path, I have to let him be parented by the Lord. I will pray for him until I close my eyes in death. I will ask the Lord to teach him and spare his life - then trust God to do the extraordinary in his life like he did in the life of his dad and myself. I choose Christ and there is no turning back.

Monday, August 29, 2011

Didn't See It Like This

Tomorrow starts a new school year for us.  Lord, Please help me for it is not as it formerly had been and with each passing year we have to do more with less. The people that make the decisions over our children are no longer being educated by the system they make us swallow and our children are being cheated. Lord please help. Help me please, oh Lord.  Even if I can't see the whole picture let me at least see some of it through your eyes.  Hold us up Holy Ghost for we can't accomplish anything unless you help.

Sunday, August 28, 2011

Wait On The Lord

Yesterday, I was not seeing things as clearly as I do today.  God in his infinite wisdom let me sound off on what thought was a wrong done to me.  I was angry about not being able to my change my work venue, even after I had interviewed well and passed all the requirements.  Husband, friends, and family consoled me as I lamented how unfair it was that I should have to go back but, they also shared they felt that the Lord wanted me where I was for reasons that I could not see. I knew they were right but did not want to say so.  During the early morning hours after the worst part of Hurricane Irene, the Lord allowed me to dream about what seemed to be my Father who has been gone for 36 years.  I was in a setting similar to my job and I told Daddy how glad I was that he came to get me.  I could not fully see his face but,  and he didn't answer me. I now understand that God used the dream as a metaphor so I could understand that even though I didn't get the jobs I thought I wanted, "Daddy" was still with me.  Amazing what God is willing to do to get us to see what he is up to without revealing his whole plan.  I will continue to pray,do my part, ask for forgiveness for my impatience and see what God has in store for those who wait on him.    Isaiah 40:31

Saturday, August 27, 2011

It Didn't Happen Again

I have been so upset and broken hearted beacuse I was not able to find a new venue to work this fall.  I wanted so desperately not to return to the school I have worked in for the last 5 years,  So much has changed there including at least 5 principals since I came on aboard. The changing of the guard  (principals)wasn't as distracting as I thought it would be but, the behavior of the children has changed signifcantly. Close friends and family that I shared my disappointment with said that I didn't get the jobs  because I am needed where I am.  For the last 3 years I have been trying to find employment elsewhere and it did not happen.  I think there is some merit in what they have said, however, I am still hurt and really don't want to go back. I know God is in the midst of this and the outcome was always in his hands but, I have not yet stopped feeling let down.  Someome out there knows how I feel. I need prayer and I have ro admit to God my real feelings and move on.  Dissappointed or not.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Better Days

I have heard some great sermons lately and as always, they make me look inward.   Last Sunday's sermon was about how people tend to live in their heads.  We will try to make others think all is well when the reality is things are not. The preacher was someone very close to me and I was so surprised by what he said.  More and more the Man of God is preaching to my issues that make me know that help is on the way.  We will never heal until we admit we need help.  My cousin gave us the gift of his need and we as listeners, were able to ascertain how healing came to him.  I know that if God saw fit to heal him, he will do the same for me. As my mess is revealed I refuse to cover it up and pretend as though it is not my lot.  My prayer life is on the increase because I acknowledge how messed up I am.  God is listening and answering prayers.  I love the Lord.  He is all I need and my hope for everything.  I will trust in the Lord till I die.  New mindsets are being revealed, new hope in God's ability to care for me, and new vision about where I would like to go.  I will ask the Lord for direction and not proceed until he says so.  Then I know my days will be better days for his promises on our behalf is yes, and amen.  

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Not The Best Day

Today wasn't one of my better days.  It was fraught with much emotion that I try to keep under wraps..  However, I did not do a good job today.  I had to apologize to my husband and my son.  I conveyed to them how sorry I was to allow myself to "go there".  Feelings were hurt as a result of my choice of words and as soon as they were out  my mouth, I knew I had to ask forgiveness.  The message I was trying to get across could have been accomplished with fewer and different words.  Ahh, if we allow ourselves to be led by the Holy Spirit, we would not have to say "I'm Sorry" as much.  What I like about the Lord among so many other things is that we have chance, after chance, after chance to get it right when we fail.  Of course, it is never if we fail, it is when.  We will all fail.   The mercy that the Lord shows us day by day is the guide of how we are to be with others.This evening, I have to talk to a friend about how he has wounded me, and I am already asking for direction and protection as the enemy would rather see us torn apart forever. I should have prayed earlier and I would not have hurt my family. I think I'm ready.  And while I am waiting I will continue to pray.

Sunday, August 14, 2011

Listening, Hearing and Receiving Help

This summer has been a whirlwind of activity for me.  Since the school term ended and the summer program began, there were many things I wanted to get accomplished that did not happen.  I did however, take some time just to relax and breathe.  My life seems to require more than I am able to do and I often feel as though I am letting someone else down, when in reality it is me.  God gave me opportunity to hear from people who were willing to speak to me honestly about things that I needed to change.  It was the Lord speaking thru his people on my behalf. To hear, is not always easy, especially when the spirit of offense wants to tale precedence about what is being said. I had to listen with my heart. I was voiceless sometimes.  Not because I didn't  have one but, because I didn't always need to be heard. One of the most important issues I dealt with was to apologize to my beloved husband for holding against him things that have long gone and can no longer be accounted for.  It really wasn't for him, it was for me.  That's the way forgiveness works. I feel freed up and in some ways and can be better at being who I am called to be.  I may not have been writing a lot, but the lessons I learned were worth the writing delay.  God is so amazing and he is not finished with me yet.

Monday, July 18, 2011

Starting Again In A New Place

I am waiting to hear from a new school to which I have applied.  I was told that I was already selected as one of their new recruits.  I am waiting to hear where my assignment will be and what my salary will be.  Most people at this point in life would not consider starting over in a new place for any reason but, that is not a major concern for me.  I believe in what I do and I know that children are always a part of the landscape of my life.  I look forward to the challenge ahead of getting to know new co workers and building bridges to new relationships.  I do know that everyone does not always gel with one another, but I am depending on the Christ in me to help me find my way. I will do what is required and more to fulfill  what I need to do and show others the love of God, even when it is hard difficult.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Confessing Again

I would not be honest if I said that when trouble comes, because I am a believer in Jesus Christ, that I can move along and not be concerned. I can say that recent circumstances makes me look at things differently. Facing the truth about my limitations is liberating, especially when I can be a control freak.  I never had control.  It is not a word to be used in my personal vocabulary, as it speaks to what I thought I could do. I am at the mercy of the Lord Jesus Christ and what he is willing to allow in all things me.
Attacks come as we align ourselves with what the Lord wants from us and Satan is ready to do what he does best. He would have us believe that the way to make it right would be to fix it on our own and not pray for help and guidance.  He would have us vacate the path of righteousness. I know that restorting to my way of resolving issues does not work.  I know that if I am not careful, I will go back to the unfocused, unforgiving, self-centered woman that I was.  This is not about me. Kingdom work is at stake. I am being required to raise my game.  I have a very good Idea of what I am being called to do and I must be prepared for the fight.  Great scarfice makes great gains.
Prayer is my only hope and seeking the face of God is my remedy for all thing.

Monday, June 13, 2011

Prayer Changes Things

Prayers are being answered in big ways at our house.  We have a lot to pray for, but something  changed. When I asked God to strengthen me in places I am  weak he did it.  My faith was on shaky ground and I did not look at myself as the source of the problem. I was. When I acknowledged my fault and confessed to God, I got help. There are circumstances at our house that have developed and we have no where to go but, to our Father God.  We know that deliverance is on the way.  We also know that God will fix this in his time.  In the meantime, we will wait and do our part.  God is doing things in our lives to show us how big he is and more than before, we are telling our mountains how big our God is. I am so grateful to the Lord for his faithfulness to us even when we are not faithful to him. I love the way God loves us and I am still amazed to be loved to this degree without having to do anything to earn it.  Amazing Grace. We are worshipping God differently. Not for what he does but, for who he is in the lives of his children.  Our God is so amazing.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Change Gon Come

The time to change has come.  I have lived long enough to know when it is time to move on.  I have been so blessed by the people God has sent my way to favor me and help me. Over the years people  have come and gone.  The ones that left made way for the ones that are here now.  People are in our lives for reasons or seasons. It is time to go in a different direction.
I do not want to get to heaven and find that I left a lot of work undone.  Some of what I am faced with at this juncture is scary.  I am hestitant and sometimes afraid.  I haven't always acknowlegded the presence of God in my life to the extent that I can do all things. It is not by might but, by his spirit thus sayeth the Lord. I have opportunities opening for me.  I want my  territory enlarged so  I can accomplish all that has been set before me.  I must remember the source of my hope and peace.  God did not give us a spirit of fear so when I feel it coming on I will continue to press in and pray. I shed tears for what I am about to leave behind and look forward to a good and properous future. I will walk in peace which is not the absence of trouble but the presence of God.  If God before me, who could be against me?

Monday, June 6, 2011

Confessions

We belong to God whether we choose to acknowledge it or not.  If I am created by one who knew me in my mother's womb than I can trust him.  I am seeing more of how my walk with Christ has not lined up with his will for me.  So living on my own terms has created a mess.  At this point there abides in me such a deep sorrow for not being obedient to God.  However, I am not going to stay in this place.  Forgiveness is so rich and pure.  It is a blessing to receive it.  The reward is not having to carry around the woundedness that comes with unforgiveness.  Most of us understand that forgiveness is not for the others it is for us.  I still have some misconceptions about life.  Some taught to me generationally and some I came to accept as a given.  But, my desire to live as I should encouraged me to leave behind the mess for the spirit tells me what is right.  I am now be able to live freed up.  Confession is good for the soul. Asking for forgivess when you know you have not done the right thing is cathartic. Agreeing with God when you know you are not right and even if you are, you don't hurt others in the process.
My mother's intercessory prayers are at work. Intercessors have been praying for me. I am thankful for the fervent and effectual prayers of the rightoeus that availeth much.  I am indebted to people who cover me with prayer. I pray for myself and others. So I must work harder to be better at living the way I should. . Thank you for your gift of caring and how you overshadow me with an abundance of grace.  I am not yet  who I am going to be and I am grateful for the covering.  To Pastors Paul and Christine James I am so blessed to have you to care for my soul that you will tell the truth and expect us to do what is right.  I wish not to disappoint God or the two of you.

Friday, May 20, 2011

I'LL TRUST THE WORD OF GOD RATHER THAN THE WORD OF MEN

I work in an elementary school.  Several of the students who know that I am a believer approached me today to see if I believed the world was going to end tomorrow.  I asked them if it did happen what could they do?  Most said they did not know and they were scared.  I remember years ago when this same group of people tried to convince others that the world would end on a certain date and Jesus would be coming.  I am amazed that there are people all around who have yet to search the scriptures for themselves and have allowed themselves to believe what I feel to be the rantings of a fool.
The bible says that we will not know the minute or the hour that the Son of Man will appear.  Just as others have their belief that saturday is it, I prefer to believe the Word of God .  The children I spoke with were afraid, so I told them, when they see me on Monday morning, come and get a big hug and love from me as always. 
I know that many people think I am being duped by whom I place my  faith in and that I am dead wrong.  So be it. I am willing to take my chances on the Word Of God , than to trust in another version of someone elses inaccuracies.
I'd rather get to the end of my journey with Jesus than to have lived my life without him. When he does come, I will be ready.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

YOU STAND

A dear friend is experienceing the break up of her marriage after 25 years due to adultery and other issues of selfishness.  Her tears and broken heartedness are hidden from some, but not from me.  She trusts me in the sense of telling her the truth and not sugar coating things.  That has always been the premise of our friendship from the beginning.  It's hard to see her in such pain but, we both agree that God keeps good records. There
are people in her former sphere of influence that have come to a conculsion of her matter without full knowledge of the details and as a result have severed ties with her.
My duty as her sisterfriend is to remind her that in this season some folks will depart.  Her life is being purged from people, old habits, disappoinment and opinions that will not be seen her in new landscape.  I am also charged to pray for her and her journey.  When this is over, there will be women who will hear her story and know that at times she was carried and,  others she was covered. Some will reconcile with her beacuse of their arrogant opinions.  Their judgement of her former marriage rests on grounds insufficient to produce certainty.  Lest we forget there are three sides to every story - his, hers and the truth. In essence what others think doesn't matter in the long run, only what God knows matters.  He keeps track with impunity.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not to your own understanding. 
PKG to MMLH   XOXOXO

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

GRACE

It is never too late to change.  How exciting it is to know that, but more so to do something about it? I have become so much more self aware as the years ebb and flow.  I see things about myself that I was not aware of before now.  Not all of them are good.  Once again, I  honor a loving Savior that is willing to reveal the places in me that need change.  And, while I am tending to the business he has appointed me, I am day by day a recipient of his grace.  How much better would we be in relating to one another as the Lord does with us under the auspices of grace?
I believe there is less pain when we advocate to grace one another. We can move on to other important tasks that won't waste precious time. Those  of us in my age bracket (past 50 years) probably have more time behind us than we do in front.  I don't desire not to waste another moment if at all possible.  Lord please help me to do what you have called me to do with the power you have already given me.

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Hurts, Pains and Disappointments

We have no control over how people treat us.  Sometimes they decide to treat you in a way that doesn't
line up with how you treat you them.  It hurts to be hurt. It hurts to be angry.  The Word tells us to be angry but, do not sin. That is not always a pattern of success for me.  I get so ticked and can go from zero to one hundred, at least in my mind.  I have to sit in my words.  I can't always say what I am thinking. I am very aware of how words hurt.  My sister reminds me that we will stand before our God and give an account of everything we said and our deeds while inhabiting this earthly vessel.
Disappointment is different,  When you expect others to behave a certain way and they are or unable or unwilling to do what they said they would, therein lies disappointment. Hurt, pain and disappointment have been my companions the last three or fours days.  Today I decided I was sick of them, and am moving on.  They are so stagnate.  They don't go far and won't allow you to either.
They lead you to depression, breakdown, loss of heart and abject failure if they stay too long. They have to go. I sent information out about this blog to a lot of family and friends.  I got very few responses, I thought everyone who knew would be happy for me.  Not necessarily, so I need to move on because I have no intention whatsoever to stop writing. This gift is from God so I know he sees if others don't.  Even those who share my blood.

Friday, April 29, 2011

Lead Me Where You Want Me To Go


Whew!!!  Wednesday was a big day for me. I have been praying about writing and sharing. I believe the Lord lead me to send out the blog information for A(musing).  I was more than apprehensive. Recording my thoughts for other to see allows transparency.  I will share triumphs and insecurities.  I will talk about the deep and wounding scars that seem to take forever to heal because I had problems letting  go. My shell will be peeled back and I will be exposed. No longer protected, but making room  for the Balm in Gilead that does heal wounds.  I know because I have experienced it.
I remember as a young child, friends and family talking to me about deep stuff. People confiding in me about things that I should not have known.  They had to talk to someone.  I now know that was a training period for me to begin what would eventually be an important piece of my life. I love the written word.  It empowers
my thoughts to reach inward and outward to convey what I feel and to whom.  Writing does wonderful things for my heart.  I know that people will feel me because I feel what they feel. Thank you Lord for your mercy, grace, loving kindness and covering over my life for such a time as this. Even if no one ever reads a word I write, I write and pray to an audience of one.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Another Kind of Friendship

Yesterday as I waited to fulfill my yearly tests, I met a woman who was at the hospital to support a friend with no one to come with her.  The lady was an artist who had cancer herself and knew her friend needed her.  I was struck once again by the beauty that abides in the friendship of women.  When it is good there is nothing that compares.  We will sometimes support friends in a way we can't with family members. I thanked the artist for her support of her friend and what a loving gesture it was for her to be there.  We talked briefly about her own experience with cancer and how it had devastated her life.  She did not want her friend to go it alone.  I thought about how she was modeling the love of God.  How we have been instructed to love one another as ourselves.  I listened as she told her friend not to worry about how long it would take for her to finish want needed to be done.  She was there and she would wait.  That's how God is with us.  Loving, patient, kind, understanding, covering us under his wing of protection.  Gracing us in ways we don't deserve.  Whatever her friend had or had not done her presence there at such a critical time meant so much to her and to me. I was reminded of my own great friends.  Thank you God for your undying sacrifice and your great love for us. Help us to be reminded daily to love each other the way you love us.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

I GOT THRU TODAY OK

Today I had those tests that some of us regret but, we all have to go through in order to make sure our lady parts are working correctly. I can't stand the tests.  They hurt, are very uncomfortable, especially the pressing of the boards. There have been more than one occassion that I have celebrated womenhood but, not today.  Since I have had results that were not good at one time, that memory is formost in my thoughts when I have to be tested.  For a week after the biopsy, I waited to see if is was going to be sick, what the results were and I worried.  I was told not to worry, I did believe God had my back - I still did not want to be sick. I look at all the ladies who come and go while we are waitng for the radiologists to read their film.  Some already had a bad diagnosis and are back to see if all is well.  I thank God for not having unfavorable results. I 've prayed for women I don't know and for a few friends who have been through it. I have a friend right now who is going thru it.  I feel deeply for her.  We talk about what would happen if she dies.  She says she is okay with it.  She was the one who cared for her dying mother with the same disease and did not have time to care for herself.  Talk about self-sacrificing.  I don't want to be without her but, it is not my choice. So, I'll love her hard now and thank God she is still here.  I am also thankful for her friendship. I got through okay.

Saturday, April 23, 2011

Need To Trust God

I parent a twenty-two year old man.  I know that in his formative years my husband and I poured into him.
We did not just tell him things we mirrored them so he could tell what the situation looked like.  Our collective walk with God started after our son was a teenager, however there were prayers and petitions that went up on his behalf as well as his cousins.  As a mother who parents not only her own child, but the children of others as well I see where the influence of a personal relationship with God doesn't exist or  is negligible.  I must remember however, that my own mother showed me what a personal walk with God looked like but, I still chose to go my own way.  Those choices allowed me to  have my own testimony about life experience. I know broke my mother's heart with decisions I made at times. Life lessons can be hard when you don't accept good counsel. To learn them will occassionally put you in harms way by your choice.  Experience is not always the best teacher. I need to stay in my place where my son is concerned and not allow his decisions or lack thereof to make my a candidate for crazy or to  try to resolve issues that I didn't create.  Prayer will keep me grounded.  Prayer will keep me from being so angry.  Prayer will allow him to experience his own choices and what they bring and I not try to rescue him. God will cover him because of his faithfulness to us.  Our children will not always be on our hand but, they will always be on our hearts. Teach us O Lord to depend on you and your word. We need to trust you for our well being and that of those whom we love.

Monday, April 11, 2011

The Monday Before Spring Break

The educators in the place that I work are wearing this year worse than I have ever seen  in all the time I have been in this school.  This has been a very difficult school year.  There is so much on the table regarding budget, school climate, issues of behavior, issues of mental health, so much on our plates.  One teacher said  that this was the worse year she has ever had.  This teacher has worked 26 years in  the public school
system. There are children we cannot reach.  I didn't think I would see that, ever.  Silly me, I thought all parents were on their games ready, and willing to help the teachers help their children.  I left out able on purpose.  I don't think some parents are able to help their children for lack of what they didn't get themselves. Others have issues that they don't face and the children pay for it.
You would have to be in the school to see what the days look like.  This is the elementary level.  It gets worse as the grades increase. I was told not to write about kids and school issues.  There is deep pain and much disappointment.  I hate to see our children in such a state, however they are definitely affected by their home environment. They bring  mess to school.  It's not that they want to, they can't help it. I will probably not be doing this job much longer for I no longer feel I make a difference.  I very much feel for the new teachers who come out of school starry eyed with the thoughts of how they will change the world thru education.  Many are have already walked away in frustration and utter dismay. My heart goes out to them for they really wanted to make a difference, but the real work starts at home.  Home used to be where the heart was for me and my generation, however I don't see that translated for some of these children.  I feel bad for them.

Friday, April 8, 2011

Remembering Mommy April 8, 1918 to November 13, 2005

Today is our mother's birthday.  She left us and went to heaven on Novemebr 15, 2005.  It was one of the saddest days of my life even though I knew she went to be with the Lord. Our mother was a prayer warrior.  When she talked to God she knew he listened. She believed in the presence and power of the Holy Spirit. She did all she could to translate that into the lives of her children, grandchildren, great-grandchildren and great-great grandchildren.
Mom's life was not easy.  Her life circumstances would buckle the knees of the weak.  She was strong and loving.  She loved us all and knew there needed to be more than just talking to get her  points across.  So she prayed.  In the day light, in the midninght hour, when she couldn't sleep, she prayed.  Mom covered us in prayer.  Our protection was in her prayers.  God met her needs thru prayer. The righteous were not forskaen and her seed did not beg bread.
Our father and younger brother died in 1975 two weeks apart.  Her life partner and her only son.
People marveled at how she kept her head up.  Those of us close to her knew that she cried and was devasted by the loss.  Nonetheless she gave God the glory.  We experience our mother's commitment to prayer in our lives to this very day.  We are duty bound to pray for our future generations because of what she modeled.
Thank you mother for your prayers and covering when we needed it the most!

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Sitting with Bonnie Today

God knew that It would be important for us to have relationships so he gave us several different kinds.  Sisters in my opinion is one of the best.  Bonnie who is the sister right above me in age (although she has managed on many occasions to deny her place in the line up to make others think I came first!) has not been well and had to take a hiatus from the daily grind much to her chargrin.  I, being the sister that she instructed me to be, have looked in on her several times this week to see to her needs.  Also, to let her know I care about her.  She is a joy to have in my life.  There has been so much laughter between us about things that would not matter to anyone else but us. The childhood stories and sometimes misguided adventures as adults has sealed the deal between years ago.  She trusted me with her children so I would be their caretaker starting with the first two at a young age. Her family was my initial foray into motherhood.  My son is loved  by me in a special way because of Jay, Darryl, Kevin and Kendra.  To this day they are my brood. I adore each one and have special relationships with them all. When I hear "Aunt Paul" I know they still need me.  My sister shared her children with me and was not afraid to leave them in my care.  Although I know I was cheap labor, there would have not been a better way for her and I to remain as close as we are then for her to lend me her children.  Bonnie, with a grateful heart , thanks for everything, especially the love of your children. All of you mean more to me than I will ever be able to convey.  God loved me so much he gave me the five of you.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

56 years - A New Beginning

I didn't think I would see this age.  I didn't think I would see 40.  Certainly not, 50 and now 56.  How very good God has been to me!  April 4, 1955 was the day God elected to start me on my way towards my purpose in life.  I am grateful to him and my parents for allowing me to be here.  What I've done with the space between the lines in my life ( April 4, 1955 - not there yet) will be the most important things about me.  It leaves my son, friends, family and others a road map of who I became.  If they know how I started, they will know that because of grace and mercy I finished the race set before me.
We are all human becomings.  If we live, we develop.  We are changelings. We should not at any time stay the same.